pictureofhappiness

Well, since I am new to blogging, and communicating.  I am going to use it to really put “where I come from” out there.

I want to write about memories I have not to do a poor me but more of a “I am really grateful to be where I am”.

You might read or hear of some peoples experamenting with drugs in high school or even occasionally Jr high.

Well not me, drug use came even earlier then that! and if it stunted my growth I am glad.

I recall with the assists of some older kids around attempting the fine art of smoking as early as

3 1/2 to 4 yrs old, and at  really giving a go at, not a consist everyday sort of thing but it would come up and continue to do so through out the years.

I began smoking marijuana nearly as young. When I was five I had taken my first attempt of inhaling. It became like a joke or funny for the older teens who where around to allow me to do this. I would pass the joints in large circles of teens, and was encouraged or just allowed to have my share as I passed it. I made my first deal in the fourth grade , it was my first but “dealing” wasn’t something I did do regulary. I continued to do this on and off “smoking marijuana” as a child -well as long as I was a child. In the different enviroments I lived there were generally alot of people around, and I became a little pot smoking buddy. Some people weren’t always comfortable with it – but it was allowed so they would go along with it.

I actually, was caught and kicked out school for possession in seventh grade.

At nine, I wanted to hang out with my brother and be cool to him , So I tried his chewy tobacco and this different experience ” inhaling gasoline” I think I did this twice. The first time maybe I didn’t do right it was nothing special,the second. I had an experience that was – well let me just say I knew it wasn’t right and I never did it again! very tripping.

When I 13, I had summer of mainly drinking with friends it was easier to get.

By the time 14 came I was Taking Acid – fairly often and again experimenting with new ways. Friends introduced me and other to Merazine a motion sickness pill, sold over the counter. With 12 or so pills in a pack and if you take them all you trip out, well again with this I did this a couple of times and again had trips that just weren’t right.

At 14 -15 1/2 I started to use speed.  Although, I haven’t used since I was 20 yrs. Alot of strange time had come in between those years , some drug induced and some not.

In between 20 and 27,I have had my times drinking,smoking pot and exstacy. Alot of these was just the drinking when I went out, but the other things did happen.

Although, we can not always be controlled or defined by ” OUR CHILDHOODS”, I believe it is not realistic to assume that it has no effect on being adults. Or for anyone person to suggest how long it should take another person to change behaviors that have been learned from it.

 Thank you JESUS!

I believe these two people have had influence on who I am, a small one, but there none the less.I like my old pictures so I thought I would throw it in there.

 I took out at the Citrus park a couple of weeks ago with my dad… I think it looks kinda cool!

I have begun training to hold a small group (womens) in my home I’m really excited to see how God will work in it.

I really hope he will really work in me, and the other women.

My hope for the group is not only discussing the topics of ther sermons, but to really create a place that we can really open up.

It breaks my heart to think of women coming to service very close to tears or feeling alone. Of all places! I on to many occassions have felt this and continue to do so. However, I must admit there has been progress in this thanks to someone really going out of there to way to listen when they can see I am oviously upset!

(YOu know who you are…..right? well you should Leah), Thank-you!.

Although, I am blessed and greatful for this progress the feelings are still real.

In this progression of me actually opening up to someone and the time of having a womens small group in my home.

I really pray for healing with my own issues to start to happen, that I become able to step out of my own saddness enough to perseve other women with a saddness. That are new or have been coming to church for awhile, and allthough they continue to do so because they DO believe in the LORD. May not have for what ever reason the opportunity to establish relationships.

The kind you are able to get the stuff that brings you saddness and weighs heavy of your heart, and not to be afraid to do it!

Sometimes those things for women may not be that serious and sometimes they are very serious! and unfortunalty, as much as women feel they would like to be able to help another hurting soul, they may see anothers turmoil as trivial. They may see the solutions as apparent and ovious.

Which is why it is hard for people to open up -will be judge by the stronger women! or at least the stronger ones until something happens to them and that they need to talk about.

I am just writing about somethings I feel ,concerns and changes I would hope to have in myself

I know GOD doesn’t promise us there wont be hardships and thats ok! I have in the past gotten through things and I will again. I just would like for this time I  don’t just get trough it and life goes on kinda of thing…. I would really like to be that helpful,compassionate,motivates person I have always felt was hiding in me somewhere…..